The Ugly Side of Beauty (Part 2)

People always think that being beautiful means that you are more popular, but I would like to make the argument that beautiful people have fewer friends precisely because they are so beautiful.

That is not to say that beautiful people don't have a lot of people around them or that they don't receive a lot of positive attention -- because they certainly do.  But those people for the most part are hangers-on who want to be around them because they are so attractive.  When it comes to true friends, I would say that beautiful people have less. 

It makes sense if you think about it.  As I said in Part 1 of this series, people get really jealous of someone who's very beautiful, developing an obsessive need to one-up them, even when that person has done nothing to them personally; nothing except look better than them.  So can you imagine being friends with someone who is so far superior to you in looks, that whenever you hang out with this person, you become invisible?  That would be difficult for even the most confident person.  And it would create so much pent-up jealousy and resentment, that a friendship would be strained under it.  Friends are already more jealous of each other than of strangers, but to add marvelous good looks to the mix too?  That would seem to be inviting disaster.  And no one wants to be near disaster.  We want to run clear of it.  Especially so that no one can compare us to it. 

Sure there may be people wanting to hang out with a beautiful person in order to seek their approval, and as anyone with some sort of "power," to latch on to them therefore receiving the benefits of their good looks by proxy.  But those people can hardly be considered friends, since they are really using their beautiful acquaintance to get themselves more power and since they admire their acquaintance more for a trait than for being an actual person.

The more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that this was true.  It would be hard to be friends with someone really good-looking.  After all, if I met a really hot guy (I mean, really hot!), would I want to be his friend?  Pardon me, but the first thing I think about when I see him is not that I would like to be friends with him.  I could not even imagine being friends with someone I would be continuously salivating over.  That would be wrong.  There would be only one type of relationship I would want with someone incredibly hot, and it wouldn't be friendship, sorry to say.  There would just be too much sexual tension.  And if he were to suggest that he only wanted to be friends with me?  Well then, I would be devastated.  Devastated.  Just friends?  With someone as hot as you?  I don't think so.  What a hit to the ego!  Don't you find me as sexually attractive as I find you?  Damn you!

That's why a beautiful person may grow increasingly wary and suspicious of the intentions of those around her.  She can't be sure, after all, if the person who comes up to her or offers to help her, wants anything more than to be of service.  Because chances are, as she's learned from past experiences, that person wants a relationship with her that's more than acquaintance, more than friendship.  Of course, there are some women who like this sort of attention because it flatters their ego.  But for those seeking true connections with people, not slaves, this can be a point of strife in their life. 

And then there is the matter that even beautiful people get jealous of other beautiful people -- especially if everyone else is remarking on that person's beauty.  Being used to being the most beautiful person in the room, one has to put one's ego aside when a more beautiful person walks in the room, and most people don't have the stomach to do it.  We would rather make snide remarks about that person, give them the evil eye, or tear them down a notch than to surrender our throne.  And after all, if one is beautiful, would one want to be in the company of someone who could take any attention from us?  It depends on the person, of course.  But in the end, even beautiful people, I would imagine, like to hang out with people of equal or less pleasing appearance.  After all, it is easy to like someone we can think ourselves better than, than to like someone who far surpasses us.  The former makes us feel good about ourselves, the latter makes us feel really badly.  It is an easy decision.

So as it goes, because of the amount of attention a beautiful person garners, and the negative feelings that that attention then garners, a beautiful person, if you think about it, becomes less pleasing than one would suppose.  We might like looking at the person -- because for some reason, looking at a beautiful person inspires some sort of happiness -- but when it comes to being friends with that person, we would decline, unless, of course, that person is a person we would hope to someday be more than friends with.  But being just friends?  One would be inclined to pass unless driven to it by some circumstance or need. 

That is why I say, beautiful people have less friends.  That is another cost of beauty.

The Ugly Side of Beauty (Part 1)

The Tiger Woods saga has given me some pause for thought about a number of issues, one of them being the ugly side of beauty.  I decided to make this the first on a series of posts, because in my mind, there are a number of downsides to being beautiful that never get played out in the media or in popular culture.  Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren, the former model, inspired me.

In popular culture, beauty is so praised and held up as the goal everyone should want to attain, that you never see the dark side of it.  Like in this Family Guy rerun I just saw recently.  I usually don't watch Family Guy, but since it's on late night when I'm up, I'll catch it sometimes.  This one episode I had seen before.  It was about Peter Griffin getting liposuction and suddenly becoming gorgeous, and thus also becoming a conceited jackass to his entire family.  It all came down to the usual moral of such stories, which is that when you're beautiful, you have it all, people are nicer to you, and want you, but it makes you a bad person.  So for that reason, you're better off not being beautiful. 

And while I won't dispute that beauty makes certain people arrogant and mean, I will dispute the idea that beautiful people have it all. 

And that is where the case of Elin Nordegren comes in.  She is beautiful.  She used to be a model, after all.  She lives a wonderful life, taken cared of by Tiger and his vast riches.  All this she got in large part because she is beautiful.  That's true.  However, she also got this drama she is now dealing with because she is beautiful, as well.  Her husband cheated on her because she is beautiful.  And he found women willing to cheat with her husband because she is beautiful. 

Let me explain.  When it was pretty much confirmed that Tiger had cheated on his wife, I got to thinking, "If it were me, and Tiger Woods (Tiger Woods!), my idol, my inspiration suddenly started paying me attention, showing me affection, would I have an affair with Tiger?"  And to my surprise, I thought "yes!  Yes, it's Tiger Woods!"  I was surprised at this insight from myself because I usually look down on women who cheapen themselves by having affairs with men, and I've never thought of anyone who I found so appealing that I would cheat with them.  But when I thought of Tiger wooing me, it made me happy to think of all the women he could have, he would choose me.  Not only that, but it made me even happier - walking on air, in fact - to think that with his gorgeous wife, he would choose me, he would think me more appealing than his wife.  Wow!  What a boost for a girl's ego. 

That's why I would do it.  Because I must say, I have felt jealous feelings when I thought of his wife Elin - so beautiful, so fortunate, and to be married to Tiger.  And she probably didn't appreciate any of it.  Of course.  (So I assume).  But when this recent scandal broke out, it made me realize that she didn't have it all like I assumed.  And now I feel bad for her.  And so being able to feel bad for her, I like her better for that. 

It's the truth.  When you feel that someone is so above you, so much better than you, even when they themselves have done nothing to you but live their own lives and be themselves, even when they're nice to you, for some reason - darn that human nature - if you get the chance you will even the score (imaginary, though it is) by hurting them in some way.  You don't care about her because her being her makes you feel bad about yourself, and why should she have it all?  It's just not fair.  Why should she have it all?  Why can't you have some happiness too, and at her expense?  She already has so much.  And you have so little. 

I can imagine that this is how the women that Tiger cheated with felt.  This is because we are all vain, and when someone (especially someone with clout) makes us feel better than we think we are, we will do almost anything for them.  For women, this means sleeping with men, of course.  Because when I thought of it, if Elin were not so beautiful, if she were plain say, or even downright nerdy, would I still cheat with Tiger?  And my answer is no.  I wouldn't do it because then (then!) I would feel bad for his wife.  How sad for her!  She's so unfortunate-looking and her husband cheats on her?  That truly sucks!  I couldn't do it.  There would be too much guilt. 

But Elin, Elin seems to have it all, and so that guilt is replaced with jealousy and vanity with her.  Or was.  Yes, human nature can be very catty sometimes.  Her predicament reminds me of Halle Berry's, when it was revealed that her then-musician-husband, Eric Benet, had cheated on her since the start of their marriage.  "What?"  I thought, when I found out.  "Cheat on Halle Berry?  The woman that all men wanted?  Why?!!!!!"  But then it occurred to me that the pressure of being married to Halle was too much for him to take.  I'll explain why in a moment.  It also occurred to me, because I also thought, "Why would anyone dare to cheat with Halle Berry's husband?  How could they?  How dare they?" that they would do it because of the very reason I thought they wouldn't, because Halle is so very beautiful.  I thought, "How could they think they could compare?"  When in actuality, they didn't think they could compare, and that's why they jumped at the chance to one-up her.  After all, the woman they showed he cheated with didn't hold a candle to Halle in any way.  Same thing goes for the women Tiger has allegedly cheated with. 

So why do I call this one of the Ugly Sides of Beauty?  Because from what it seems (and there is no formal study for this, so this is just by observation), that if you are beautiful, it is more likely that your husband will cheat (and if you are a blonde, cheat with a brunette - but that's for my next post).  Or at least, that he will have more opportunity to cheat and more desire to do it. 

How can that be? you ask.  I asked the same question because it always rocked my world when a husband would cheat on his beautiful wife.  Christy Brinkley, is another example.  Why if you have someone that every man in the world would die to have, would you cheat on her?  And usually with someone below her in every way?  And the answer is, ego.  Ego explains everything.

First off, as I explained earlier, the husband will be more likely to find cheating partners because of your beauty and the jealousy it will inspire in other women, and the ego boost they would get by having the husband of such a beautiful woman.  I guess you could see it as flattering (but probably not).  So these women will try to get at your husband just to prove how much better than you they really are even though it is only to themselves that they are making this judgment.  That is all it is really. 

I remember watching an Oprah Winfrey episode on why men cheat.  The surprising thing I learned was that men don't cheat to be with someone more attractive.  Actually, the other women are usually less attractive than the wives (clearly I've provided good examples).  And usually when the wives see these other women, they go, "Her?  Really?"  Yes.  The other thing that was mentioned was that men cheat because their wives are always nagging them and their mistresses never do.  Their mistresses praise them and are impressed by them and make them feel good about themselves. 

And that's what it comes down to; the reason people cheat - To feel good about themselves. 

The mistress feels good because she one-upped the wife, who is not only married, but prettier.  Plus, they're more likely to think if a pretty girl likes him, there must be something about the guy.  Even if he's butt ugly.  The other woman can still think she stole the pretty girl's guy.  That's an ego boost right there. 

The cheating husband feels good because the woman makes him feel good about himself.  But also (and this was not mentioned on Oprah), because he can feel that he's better than the other woman. 

A while ago I read an article (yes, another one), about a man dating a much more beautiful woman (out of his league), and I learned that men often question why a woman is with them.  And the more beautiful she is, the more they question and have doubts and insecurities.  So if the beautiful woman does not allay these doubts, she can get herself in lots of trouble.  Because the man will turn to other women to soothe these insecurities, and make himself feel better about himself and his desirability.  Because who do these men ultimately turn to?  Usually women who they can feel better than.  Women who are less unattractive than their wives, maybe even less attractive than them.  Women whose class is below them.  They want to be superior to these women in every way to make them feel better about themselves. 

That is not to say that these men don't love their wives.  I'm sure they do.  It is just to say that they need to feel that they are superior to a woman.  And these other women provide that for them. 

A guy I knew once told me that he and his friends would hit on ugly girls in bars.  That's right.  Ugly girls.  Ones who were alone, and who no other guy would hit on.  He said they would try to make them laugh and feel better about themselves.  And I thought to myself, "Yeah right!  That's not the reason you do it.  The reason you do it is because it makes you feel superior to this poor girl who is so much less attractive than you.  It's an ego boost, totally." 

Of course, beauty isn't the only factor in why a woman will cheat with another woman's husband.  Some women are so insecure that the mere fact that you are married will cause them to cheat, or even less.  That's how people work.  We are always trying to make ourselves feel better, and if we step on others doing it.  So be it.  They don't bleed like we do, is what we think.

In the end, it's all about insecurities with people.  That's what I think is at the root of most negative actions.  And the more beautiful you are, the more insecurities, the more jealousy you inspire.  And that leads to people wanting to hurt you.  It doesn't matter if you have your own insecurities, your own problems.  People will latch on to what you have above them and hate you for it. 

So, beauty.  It's nice to have.  But as anything, it's not without its price.