Agree to be Disagreeable

The other night, I was talking to this guy, and afterwards I realized that maybe I shouldn't have been so agreeable.

That is not to say that I was nice to him or even kind, I was actually rather cool to him.  Of course, he himself was not a very kind, positive person, but rather a somewhat ornery, moody person and that was the reason I treated him as I did -- giving him as good as he gave -- but it occurred to me later that I didn't have to do that.

You see, the thing is, he flattered me and he disparaged himself, and I agreed with him.  I enjoyed his flattery and I agreed with his disparagement, even teasing him when he called himself a "mean drunk" by saying "you can be meaner?"  I was joking, in my way, but also not.  I did think him somewhat mean at times.  And so I let it be known, but I did it in a way that might have made it seem that he was overly mean -- which he isn't, most of the time.

I wished afterwards that I could have seen him for more than he was; for his potential rather than the image he was showing to me at that moment.  And it occurred to me that it used to make me so angry when people would see me for who I was at that moment, instead of seeing me for the potential I had to grow and be better.  And here I was doing it to this poor fellow.  He's hurting, I think, in other ways, and that's his way of dealing.  There is a reason he is the way he is, just like there is a reason I'm the way I am, and a reason other people are the way they are.

The next day I realized that even though he was disparaging himself, I didn't have to join in.  I could have been the one to see the good in him, so that maybe he could see the good in himself a little more.

So what I learned is that you shouldn't agree with people when they're disparaging themselves.  Even if it seems like mindless fun and enjoyment, and you're just joking and teasing, the unintended consequence is that you might really be saying something that harms someone and their impression of themself.  If you set the standard that they are the way they are and can't change, then they will feel that and cater to that standard.  But if you set the bar higher, you give them a chance to prove that they can be better.