The End of the Year Blues

Last night I checked my mail and received a bill that left me very distraught right before going to bed.  It wasn't anything big; it was my health care bill, which they send me every month.  The thing was they had raised my bill by $23 a month and I was annoyed.  I didn't want to be giving them any extra money for nothing.  This annoyance began to snowball into other concerns and fears, and pretty soon I was feeling pretty dreadful.  I had to calm myself with the teachings of Jack Canfield, and remind myself that this sort of thinking was catastrophic negative thinking.  I had to even look at the solution to this sort of thinking and tell myself that this was really nothing and that I was blowing things out of proportion.  I would find a way to pay this and other bills that came my way, and maybe as Canfield suggests, this may come out for my benefit. 

Still, despite all my efforts to calm myself, I still felt dreadful, and not just about this one tiny little bill, but because of my whole life.  And thinking over this year, I started to get really sad about all the things that I hoped would happen that didn't pan out in my life.  And I got so sad that I couldn't even sleep, but kept thinking about more and more things to make me sad.  And I did that until I could not stand it anymore, and I got up, turned on the light, and read a few more chapters of the book I've been reading to bed (Jane Austen's Persuasion). 

It helped settle my mind some so I could sleep.  But when I woke up, I was left wondering about this sadness that I've been feeling lately.  Sometimes I can be so happy, and generally I am appreciative of and grateful for all the precious things I have in my life, but lately, there have been times where I get really sad and I cry.  I was telling my friend that I wondered if it was the weather, because it had been raining one time.  You know, there's even a term for it, for how the weather affects your mood:  Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D. for short.  It's very appropriate.  Today, however, I was thinking that it wasn't the weather, but something that is hardly discussed -- that is, the end of the year blues.

People often discuss how the holidays, and Christmas especially, are so sad because people who don't have family or friends to share it with get lonely and depressed when they see how happy and content everyone else is.  But it occurred to me that that's not the reason I'm sad.  I have family who loves me (I am very lucky for that) but in other aspects of my life, I feel as though things will never work out.  At least, I've always started the new year being so hopeful that things will work out; "there is a whole year for things to work out and who knows what could happen."  And I had especially high hopes for this year, that didn't pan out.   And so it occurred to me that perhaps the reason people are especially sad around Christmas does not have to do entirely with missing out on Christmas cheer and familial love, but with the disappointed hopes of the current year, which is now ending.  It kind of makes me wonder if Christmas and Yuletide and even New Year's Eve celebrations work to blunt the sadness and disappointment we would feel about a year ending where perhaps a lot of our dreams did not come to pass.  Without these celebrations, distractions, we would have time to really consider the year we've lived and how another year has passed in our lives and what good we have done this year.  And without the gaiety of friends and family to share it with, perhaps some people are more deeply afflicted with this profound disappointment when they look back on the past year.

The new year is always so, full of promise, full of hope, but the end of the year, is much the opposite.  It is an ending after all, and endings are sad.  And especially if none of that promise, none of that hope has been fulfilled, one can be left to feel rather disenchanted with one's life and what has become of one's hopes and dreams. 

It just makes me realize, thank God there is Christmas and celebrations and the expectation to share this time with family and friends.  Otherwise, this time of year might be a lot sadder than it is.