The Monogamous Nature

A few months ago I read an article arguing that humans are not by nature supposed to be monogamous.  I decried the line of reasoning presented.

The author, herself, was going through a divorce with her husband of so many years, with which she also had a few children.  They no longer loved each other and they each had cheated on the other.  While going through this rough patch in her life, she met with her other three female friends, who -- with the exception of the lone single girl who took depression meds -- were also unhappy with their respective husbands.  Even the woman who appeared to have the most ideal husband was actually pretty unhappy with him because he made her feel incompetent and he wouldn't sleep with her.  So they and this author, with their unhappy relationships, decided perhaps that long-term relationships are just not feasible for humankind.  Anthropologically speaking, they theorized that humans are only supposed to mate for a span of three to four years - just enough time for the baby to grow up and start walking and talking.  Not for a lifetime.  Especially now that we live so much longer than we used to, it seemed to them, unfeasible to think we could live happily ever after with one person.

There are so many things I find wrong with her arguments, not the least of which is the fact that she took a few personal experiences and tried to apply it to the whole of humankind.  As I wrote in my previous post ("Seeing is Believing or Is it?"), just because it's in your personal experience does not mean that it's a universal truth.  But for some reason, some people believe that everyone must feel how they feel.

If there is any universal truth, it is that people are different.  What works for some people, doesn't work for others.  If it did, we would all drive the same cars, have the same jobs, and enjoy the same activities.  But this does not happen.

Saying that your marriage sucks, so therefore humans aren't meant to be monogamous, is like me saying, I can't sing, so therefore humans aren't meant to sing.  Just because your relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that monogamy is wrong for everybody.  Maybe you didn't find the right guy.  Maybe you guys let it deteriorate to the point where there was no saving it.  Maybe you weren't taught the skills to make it work.  Or maybe marriage just isn't right for you.  Notice I said you, not everybody.  Just because something is not right, doesn't work for you - like say you look terrible in pink - does not mean it applies to everybody.  Because for some people marriage does work.  Some people are happily married and for a long time, and they make us jealous.  But why would they make us jealous, if long-term monogamy is not what we really want?  And why is it, if we are supposed to only be with one mate for three to four years at a time, that divorce is so hard on us?  So hard that, on average, people who divorce live ten years less than people who are never divorced.

It annoys me when people say that maybe humans aren't meant to be monogamous.  I always wonder what their ulterior motive is and they usually have one.  Usually it comes from a guy who doesn't want to commit to his girl, or a girl who wants to explain why her guy doesn't want to commit.  But excuse me, if people aren't meant to be monogamous, why do we try to be?  Why do we still get married?  And not just that, why do so many cultures hold the institution of marriage to be sacred?  We never wanted to do this, it was not in our natures, but somehow someone convinced us that we should get married and we did it?  Just because?  We didn't like it but we decided to follow this person?  Really?  True - sometimes people can be persuaded, even brainwashed, to buy into things they wouldn't normally like - like trolls and pink tights.  But those fads only last a while, a couple of years at most.  The institution of marriage has lasted for thousands of years.  Thousands of years.  How is it possible that it has lasted so long when we naturally aren't meant for it?

What I told a friend when she brought up this idea that humans aren't meant to be monogamous - besides that I hate it when people say that - was that there are a lot of things we aren't meant to do.  We aren't meant to wear clothes, or live in buildings, or fly in airplanes, or drive cars, or buy our food at the supermarket.  We aren't meant to eat Twinkies or donuts or potato chips.  But we do.  We do it because we've found that it works for us.  Is it in our nature?  Who knows?  But it works for a lot of people.  Maybe not everyone, but a lot of people. 

What my point boils down to is that everyone has their own tune to march to in this life.  Just because yours didn't work out for you, doesn't mean you automatically need to apply your failure to something innate in the human species.  Isn't it just as possible that humans evolved to be monogamous and that some humans are not as evolved as others?  Or maybe, to have a kinder conclusion, isn't it possible it's just like a talent, like singing?  Some people are just better at it than others.  And some people are willing to work harder to be better at it than others.