Acceptance vs Denial

I did something a while ago which I was in denial about.  I'll go so far as to say it relates to a matter of the heart.  Even before I did this thing, I kept telling myself -- because I was really afraid and nervous about it -- that I should just do it, and after I did it, I could pretend I didn't do it (the denial part). 

Well, I did it.  But afterwards, I couldn't pretend I didn't do it, and actually, trying to deny it and to avoid the consequences of my actions led me to lots of suffering and anxiety for over a month and a half.  And mind you, all this suffering I caused to myself because it only existed in my head and heart. 

In any case, though I suffered, I learned a good lesson, which was that, "Denial makes you suffer more than you need to."  So then, recently, when I attempted something else concerning a matter of the heart, but bolder, I decided to accept what I did instead.  I did not try to "deny" my actions this time.  I did not try to pretend I did not do them.  And what I have found is that I am so much more happier and at peace and satisfied with myself than I could ever imagine simply because I accepted my actions. 

Before, when I tried to deny what I did, I became so fearful and anxious, it actually made it harder for me to forget what I did.  It was so constantly on my mind.  This time, when I let myself accept it, I feel so much happier and lighter, like a great weight has been lifted off of me.  I feel really great about myself.  And what's so amazing to me is that my actions are not at all different.  All I did was change the way I dealt with them, and that made all the difference. 

I feel better now because I accepted what I did and approve of it.  And I realize now how important that is to me, to my mind, to my body, to accept and approve of my actions.  And the other thing is, having accepted my actions, the natural course of things -- that I tried to artificially install before -- made it easier to forget what I did, and led me to a place where I could actually wonder if I really did do what I did. 

Because I accept my actions, they seem less real.  When I denied them, they seemed all too real.  The amount of suffering I endured before and the lack of any of it now is totally unbelievable and completely awe-inspiring to me.  This is the gift of acceptance, and I am really grateful that I learned it.