Who Wants to Get Married?

Men, that's who.

I know, that goes against the common perception, but I have proof.  Two questions will illustrate it:

1)  Who started the institution of marriage in the first place?
2)  Who proposes marriage most of the time?

The answer to both these questions is:  Men.

Yet society and the media would have you think that it is the female species who want to get married and men who have to be dragged into it.  That answer is also true.

Let me explain.

As I read in an article a month ago, men started the institution of marriage in order to have exclusive sexual access to one woman.  Anthropologists will say that men want to sow their seeds as much as possible, but that doesn't help the male species if he doesn't know if his seeds are in fact sown.  After all, how did a man ever really know if a child was his?  (This is before DNA could tell him.)  The child might really look like him, but what if it was his brother's?  When it comes down to it, a man might think a child is his, he might even think many children are his, but he might actually have none that he can lay claim to if the women he is sleeping with are also sleeping with other men, and those with stronger and better semen.  Only if he would have exclusive access to at least one woman who is not sleeping with other men can he be (better) assured that the children she sires are his.  In any case, it would give him better odds, not only to have children but to get laid as well.

That is why men created marriage and why they still propose for it.  But the thing is, just because they wanted it did not mean that women wanted it too.  Yes, there is that anthropological argument that women want to get married in order to have someone to provide for her family and help raise her children.  Fair enough.  But could not women just band together and help raise each other's children.  Or could not other family members help them?  Who needs one man to be there and for a good long time?  Especially if that means that they can sleep with as many men as they want and sire better offspring in the process?  And after all, men will do almost anything a woman wants if she'll sleep with him, so for the time she is sleeping with him, she can get him to help take care of her children.  Problem solved.

So if this is the case, why would women want to get married in the first place?  Because men sold them on it, that's why.  Men sold them on the idea of marriage as this great wonderful institution of love and fidelity, and women bought it hook, line, and sinker.  They bought it.  But not because of the romantic notions of love and fidelity (though that helped), but for something much more shallow:  vanity.  Love is vanity, after all.  Man appealed to woman's vanity, and he got what he wanted:  marriage.

And how did he do this, you ask?  He did this by giving her a wedding.  You may think that a wedding is about two people but you would be wrong.  A wedding is not about two people, it is about one person, and one person only -- the bride.  The bride is the most important person at a wedding.  Can anyone disagree with that?  The bride wears a beautiful white dress (or red, depending on the culture) distinguishing her from everyone else, looks amazing, has attendants (bridesmaids) following her around helping her in everything, chooses the colors and flowers to surround her, has everyone oohing and ahhing over her and doing everything to please her, and receives a beautiful engagement ring and wedding band.  And she gets all this, just for getting married.  As you can see, that is none too shabby.

And what about the groom, what does he get?  He gets a bride, and a wedding band.  That's what he gets.  No one oohs and ahhs over him.  He doesn't get to wear a beautiful special costume nor look anything but generic in a tuxedo or suit.  He gets attendants -- groomsmen -- true, but that's hardly on par with bridesmaids since the groomsmen also wear suits and look very much like the groom, and they also don't follow him around the whole day assisting him.  All in all, the groom neither gets the chance to stand out nor receive much honor, at least, not as much as his bride.  Most of the attention is focused on her.  The groom is just there to receive her.  And he must too wait for her to come.

It would seem then that women get the better end of the deal, and that men get, well, the shaft.  But that is how men sold it.  The men of long ago were really very wise in that they realized that people (and women are no different) would be willing to deal with a lifetime of hard work and suffering for one day of fame and admiration.  If you don't believe me, just consider the Academy Awards.  Do not actors and actresses, directors and producers, toil for years on a project or many projects just for that one chance to win the admiration of everyone in the world?  They do.  To them, it is not about the Oscar -- that is just a representation that they have the right to be revered -- but about getting everyone to admire them and say, "Wow, she's really something."

And do not athletes work tirelessly hard for years and years and years just for a chance to win the admiration of those around them with a medal, a ring, a trophy, or a cup?  They do that, people do that, willingly, happily, because winning the admiration of your fellow peers is worth that effort.  A bride gets that honor, gets that admiration, albeit in a smaller form (but if it encompasses her world, it means everything to her), just by getting married.  That's all she has to do.

Now can you understand how well men sold the idea of marriage to women?

Now can you understand why women want to get married?  Men sold it so well that the tables were turned, and women began wanting to get married so that they could have their day in the sun, so that they could be admired and loved by all they knew and feel fabulously, wonderfully special if even just for one day.  Who cared about marriage?  They would get a wedding.

That is not to say that a wedding is the only reason why people get married.  There are an untold number of reasons for that, love being one of them.  And people will often forgo a wedding to elope or go to city hall.  But that has to do with other perpetuated ideas about the goodness and wisdom of marrying.

The question I am trying to answer here is that, Would women, especially young women, want to get married as much if they would not have a wedding?  And I would say no.  And to go even further, Would women, especially young women, want to get married if they could have a wedding, but with the caveat that it would be to honor and admire the groom, and not them?  And that they would be the ones waiting at the altar, ignored for the most part?  And I would say no to that too.  I would even venture to say that much less women, especially young women, would want to get married then.  They could wait.  Why would they tie themselves down so young?

Now do you understand why men are willing to wait to get married?  They don't get what women get.  There's no Groom or Modern Groom magazine dedicated to them.  They don't get to be the most honored and admired person on their wedding day.  They might enjoy the day, of course, and their time, but it is nowhere near the level of enjoyment that the bride receives.  Grooms are the second banana at best.

It would seem the case then, that if women want men to want to marry, women need to change their tactics.  Women need to, in fact, try men's tactics.  If women are the ones who want to get married, then they need to sell men on it.  And one way they could start is by making the wedding about the groom, about honoring the groom and making him feel special.  They could switch places and be the one to wait at the altar as the groom made his way down the aisle, and everyone turned to look and admire him, and deem him very handsome and successful.  They could give way and allow the groom the choice to choose his colors and his decorations, whatever he would have be it footballs or what have you.  They could give men really beautiful and expensive flat screen TVs as symbols of their engagement.  And having done all this, women could start being the ones expected to propose to men, causing men to dream of one day being asked for their hand in marriage.

And so the tables would be turned if women could relinquish the chance to be special for one day.

But I doubt then, very much, that women would want to get married anymore.