Good Choice -- Good to Say?

Recently my friend broke up with her boyfriend.  They had been going out a long time, and after finally realizing that he would not be able to commit to her as she wanted (i.e. marriage), she decided to end the relationship.  This had been in the works for the last few years but it took her a while to finally break it off.  This was because, as she explained it, they had a good relationship.  He was good to her, and she liked spending time with him, and they were good together.  The only problem was when she thought about the future, and he couldn't give her a straight answer.  She just wanted to know that their relationship was going somewhere and because he couldn't tell her that it was, she decided to cut her losses and look for something (someone) else.


Eventually she let us know that they had broken up.  My friends and I had known that this was a long time coming, since she had been complaining for a few years about him not wanting to marry her (yet) and saying that she would break up with him at a certain point.  After a while, though, we all wondered if she would actually go through with it, or if she had lost the heart.  We all thought that it would be a good idea, that he didn't deserve her, and that losing her would be the only way that he would see how great she really is.

But when she told us, none of said what we had been truly thinking.  Neither "that's great!" nor "finally!"  Instead, we stuck with sympathetic remarks and polite questions about how she felt, and how it happened, and what she was going to do now?  And even though I had sensed as I was driving to our meeting place that this revelation was the purpose of our meeting, and imagined myself hugging and congratulating her, I didn't do it.  I suppose I took my cue from the other two, and didn't say anything of the sort. 

It wasn't until after we had parted ways, and I was walking with my friend back to her car that we had our own little chat, where she intimated that she wasn't sure she made the right choice, and that she sometimes regretted it.  I made up my mind to tell her then that when I was driving there sensing what she would tell us, I had thought, "it's a good choice".  I told her that I didn't know what was going to happen in the future, but at this moment, she made a good choice.

And the funny thing is, she thanked me.  I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I expected, but I didn't expect that one.  At first I thought perhaps she might be thanking me just to be polite.  And I replied quicker than I could think, "No, you should thank yourself, you're the one who did it."  But she kept saying that not many people when you tell them such news would tell you that  -- that you made a good decision -- but I did, and it was actually good for her to hear it.  It finally dawned on me that she was being sincere, and so I replied that I just call it like I see it, and left it at that.  She was glad I did.  And so was I.

I didn't think about it until my friend pointed it out to me that it is rare for people to be so direct on such a topic.  For some reason, people don't want to praise you for breaking up with someone, even when it's a good move.  I guess they feel that you might get angry at them for inserting their opinion unasked, and that it would be rude and unfeeling to say such a thing when you're feeling so badly.

But sometimes, as in this case, it is good to praise someone for the decision they made.  That's because we all need that validation, that feeling and knowledge that what we did was wise.  As humans we doubt ourselves so much, even when we think we're sure.  It's nice for us when someone can allay that doubt even just a bit. And the thing is, we feel better knowing someone else also thinks we made a good choice.